The Journey into Motherhood.
The reason I haven't posted much recently.... (all spelling mistakes and grammar errors are my own dyslexic mishaps)
A Journey into Motherhood.
Many people would think the journey into motherhood starts when you get pregnant, or maybe when you give birth. For many that journey starts with trying to conceive, and what a flipping journey trying to conceive can be. For some of those lucky few they get pregnant on their first try or maybe their second, but for others it can take months, years or might not happen at all. But it can become the most all-consuming, stressful thing you can do. Sex becomes a chore; you’re counting your cycles like an obsessive accountant and crying at pregnant woman in the street because they are pregnant and you’re not.
We started trying for a baby when I was 28.
Like most people I just thought it will happen straight away. I will come off contraception and BAM. Pregnant.
That was not the case.
We tried for 7 months. Which as many of you mums and dads know isn’t that long. But feels like FOREVER.
In that time, I googled
· Early pregnancy symptoms
· How to know when your ovulating
· Can my cat tell if I’m pregnant?
· Why aren’t I pregnant
And
· why do my boobs hurt?
Probably over a hundred times along with various other mental questions that I’m glad only my search history knows about. Your whole cycle turns into a horrific routine of sex, testing ovulation, sex, sticking pillows underneath your bum when he’s done, googling early pregnancy symptoms then crying when your period comes.
Then if that’s not enough your dodging pregnancy announcements on Facebook, crying at pregnant women in the street and then your being invited to gender revel parties. (Which nobody wants to go to anyway btw)Well luckily for us we got pregnant after 7 months. Which both of us were super happy about, for obvious reason but also cos we were bloody knackered. Unfortunately, after 7 weeks we miscarried which just added another layer of emotion to an already stressful situation. Now we were grieving a child while also trying to conceive another one.
The journey into motherhood became an obsession for me. I was obsessed with my friends’ kids; I wanted to hug and cuddle them all the time because I was convinced it couldn’t happen for me. I was obsessed with speaking to other mums who had conceived “normally” and how it happened for them and how long it took them. I wanted to experience pregnancy and childbirth and I was desperate to become a mum, and it’s a level want I can’t even begin to explain. Its such a primal and inexplainable emotion of need that it feels weird even trying to write it down.
I started to think there was something wrong with me, I started to regret the abortion I had when I was twenty-one, even though I knew it was the right choice for me at the time. But had I known now how difficult it can be to conceive, I never would have had one. Then because I had a miscarriage my google searches became even weirder with questions like “can drinking tea cause a miscarriage?” or “does eating too much sugar effect fertility”. I became neurotic.
I finally got pregnant again at 30. And last month finally became a mum to very scrumptious healthy baby boy.
I had various reasons to write this piece for substack one of the reasons was to just inform you my subscribers that I had a baby, so that’s why I haven’t written or posted much recently. But it was also to process my own journey into motherhood which felt like a long painful journey, but I also feel incredibly lucky because I know my story is relatively straight forward compared to other peoples.
But either way, the journey into motherhood is very different for many people and regardless of how you became a mother or how you mother I want you to know that it will happen eventually weather its to your own children, adopted children, friends kids, nieces, or nephews or even a dog.
The journey can be a long and painful one but oh so worth the effort.
And you’re a natural too, Em is one lucky little baby!